The word ‘shalom’ is incredibly valued in the Hebrew language. ‘Shalom’ can mean hello, goodbye, and peace, which is the meaning I am going to concentrate on here. The value of peace in the Jewish religion is of such importance that the word ‘shalom’ is also one of Hashem's names.
One of the basic tenets of Judaism is shalom bayis - peace in the home. This is most often understood as focusing on the relationship between spouses. I would like to focus on a different aspect of shalom bayis, and that is our relationships with our children, specifically our adolescent and young adult children.
I work with parents who are struggling with their children on a daily basis. This presents itself in many different ways but often at the root of the struggle is the absence of a strong positive relationship with their child.
Ideally, a parental relationship should be the most important one for the child to experience. It is the child’s first experience with a love that persists regardless of any infraction, and it is the relationship that creates an atmosphere of safety for children.
In fact, when a child has a strong relationship with the parent, it becomes easier to maintain his/her frumkeit as they get older. The model for our relationship with Hashem - a Being so esoteric and hard to grasp, comes from our relationship with our parents and our ability to have some understanding of the depth of their love for us.
However, often, there is tension and fighting and a true lack of shalom between parents and children. As a child begins to push back against their parents in a myriad of ways, this relationship is tested. And that is precisely what that child is doing. Testing. He/she is testing his/her parents' love for him/her and the limits that love may have. Children are exploring, themselves, and deciding what they want from their own lives. Along the way, they are also wondering whether their parents will continue to love them for who they are or only as their parents wish them to be.
Although the parents can hardly be at fault for the friction, they are the ones who have the power to affect real change and create shalom with their children. The ways this can be done differ for each family but there is no question that the ultimate change has to begin with the parent.
This is hard for many parents to accept. Typically, it is the child who is “faulted” for the breakdown in the relationship. Since, the child is the one who often pulls away from the family and changes his/her personality or religious pathway, etc., it is assumed that the child is the one who needs to start therapy and “get fixed”.
When parents are willing to take an integral role and work together with their children as they navigate the issues at hand, real change can and does happen. I have seen time and time again that the success or failure of the therapeutic process depends on the level of parental involvement.
As we can see, parenting an adolescent is extremely challenging. An image that is brought to mind is that of watching someone bungee jumping. We watch from the side as a person jumps off of a cliff or a bridge and our every instinct wants to grab them and stop them before they embark on this dangerous adventure. But there is a safety net in place when they jump. The person is attached to the bungee cord and although they bounce up and down several times they are ultimately brought back up to safety by this powerful bungee cord.
As we watch our children grow up and explore their adolescence, we are often left on the sidelines watching as they jump from mistake to mistake. All we want to do is grab them and stop them from leaping into one impulsive decision after another. But, most of the time we can't. We have to watch as they begin to lead their own lives and rebuild from the mistakes they have made.
The one safety valve we have, so to speak, is our relationship, our bungee cord. Every act of shalom that we can offer our children strengthens this relationship. Bringing shalom into our homes and providing safe tethers for our children, can and will most likely, be some of the hardest work any parent has to do. To 're-learn' your child and your approach to that child is extremely difficult. Often, it may seem as though your efforts are completely disregarded and unappreciated by the child. It may feel as though for every 20 steps you take towards your child, he/she takes only one step toward you in return. However, without those first 20 steps from the parent, the child will take none. It can be a long arduous road but it is a marathon, for the long haul, not a sprint, and well worth the effort.
With guidance from experts and therapists as well as Rabbanim, each family can determine which acts of shalom would be appropriate to pursue and which actions could potentially harm or risk our children and therefore, are best to avoid. If we can make sure that our relationship with our children is as indestructible as the most perfectly crafted bungee cord, then we have the comfort of knowing that no matter what mistakes our children make, with the bond we have created, they will bounce back. They remain tethered to us, to our homes, and will ultimately find their way back.
If you feel that you need personalized guidance in this area, Madraigos is happy to assist you in any way we can. Please do not hesitate to reach out to our office to schedule an individualized assessment for your family. mwerblowsky@madraigos.org or call 516-371-3250 x 112.
sfs