I believe every parent is familiar with the concept that is often given over regarding turning our homes into a “teivah”, so to speak, to protect our children from the storms raging outside. As this world becomes more complicated and social media threatens every boundary we build, we see many families taking extra precautions to protect their children from outside influences.
But what are parents to do when the outside influences breach the walls of their home? How are parents expected to perfect the balancing act of meeting one struggling child’s needs while continuing to protect their other children? When one child in a home is suffering from mental health issues, trauma, abuse, bullying etc… it often becomes necessary for parents to allow that child more flexibility in various areas while the child is in the process of healing. There are often times that it becomes necessary for us to advise a family to allow their child to dress differently than their usual standards, listen to music the parents would normally not approve of or even allow that child to have more access to technology than the parents would allow their other children to have.
At Madraigos this is a struggle we encounter on an almost daily basis. We are often faced with the question of “how do we explain to our children why we are allowing this child to dress/watch/listen etc.…?” What happens when a 12-year-old girl sees her sister wearing a shorter skirt and she wants too as well? What do we say when the 15-year-old boy asks for a smart phone because his 17-year-old brother has one? Why does one child have to go to minyan and the other does not? These are very real and sensitive questions and topics that many families are facing.
“Chanoch l’naar al pi darcho”- we are taught to educate and teach our children individually, each one to his own needs. When Yaakov Avinu blessed his sons before his death, he gave each a blessing according to that child’s strengths and individual potential. Yet it is all of the sons together that equal up to the Jewish nation. It is crucial from the get go for our children to understand that every child in a family has his or her own individual needs. In the medical realm some children may need glasses, others may need vitamin supplements while another may have food allergies. And just as a parent is expected to meet each of these needs, the same is true in the spiritual realm. Children are smart and perceptive and they readily and easily understand that a sibling of theirs may be struggling. I often advise parents to have open and honest conversations with their children explaining that a certain child may need allowances at this time due to some of his/her struggles and to even reiterate that they are seeking guidance in their parenting for that child.
It is also extremely vital for parents to maintain a loving, close and respectful relationship with their child who is struggling. Parents are certainly entitled to set certain rules in their home to protect their other children. Some examples of this would be: allowing non-Jewish music only with headphones, no smartphone usage in front of the other children, dressing with a certain amount of respect in front of brothers and at the Shabbos table. If parents have a close empathetic relationship with their child, it is very likely that their child will show mutual respect and abide by these guidelines.
These struggles are very real and extremely complicated. While I have given some basic approaches and guidelines, this is a very personal and nuanced topic. For more individualized help and guidance please reach out to Madraigos to schedule a free in depth and personalized assessment.
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